i am officially fatter than I have been in the last decade. Let's just say it, out in the open. I've gained weight - like, a lot of weight. And it sucks.
Right now I'm recovering from injury number two of the last several months - injuring my ankle was the first, and slicing my leg open was the second. In between I got bronchitis. Working out has been...impossible. And as you can imagine, my depression skyrocketed every time I was yet again sequestered to my house alone to recover from this next ailment. And the weight went on. I made apple crisp from apples I had picked at an orchard and ate about half of it. I ordered food in because it hurt to stand and cook. I got lazy, and I started to go to the place where I gave zero fucks, and just ate whatever I wanted. And boy, does it show now.
But today, reading dr. Fuhrman's "the end of dieting" I had an epiphany: maybe all these ailments aren't karma or some way of the world trying to get back at me for some unknown deed, but maybe they're supposed to be a wake up call: figure out your food/depression issues, Head, or you'll keep getting injured!!
I wish it could be easy. I wish it could be like on tv, where they just eat everything and look amazing (not happening!!!), and I wish I didn't have to commit to healthy, no-sweets eating100%. Can I do, like, 80%??? But I tried that. It got me here, falling off the wagon, and letting the world determine my diet instead of letting the truth do it. The world is full of awful foods, people. Awful, addictive foods that are trying to ruin my life. The time to hesitate is through - it is the hour for embracing health, and getting rid of temptation.
The stitches come out on Tuesday, and I think I'm ready for it...
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Injury Weight
as some of you know, I have been injured on my ankle since the 4th of July when I tripped like an idiot at my cousin's wedding, rolled/re-sprained my ankle, and have subsequently had to go on bed rest, etc etc. This created two huge problems for my weight: depression eating from my confinement, and an inability/unwillingness to exercise.
First, the eating. During this time, I was also getting over someone who I had cared for quickly and deeply, but with whom it didn't work out. So before the ankle problem has gotten really bad, I was already gaining some breakup weight. Awesome! :/
Then, I went out with my friends, put too much stress on my already injured ankle, and gave myself bursitis, which is a fun word to say, but not a fun condition to have. It's basically very painful inflammation in the joint, and the only cure for it is rest, ice, and Advil for the pain and inflammation. I have taken more Advil in the last two weeks than I have taken in my entire life put together - all on doctors orders. It's very weird.
Anyway, all of this rest of course put me in a tailspin of depression at being alone by myself inside icing my ankle when all my friends were out doing fun things without me. And what does depression mean but really unhealthy food? I tell myself time and again that I have to stop eating so much, but it doesn't seem to help me stop putting food in my mouth :(
My next problem then was my complete inability to exercise. Not only was I on doctors orders to stay at home and rest, but I was in a great deal of pain. The eating helped quite a bit, too. And since I was also dealing with all the stuff from my new place and the move, and couldn't stress exercise, I did some really serious stress eating. I would like to say that it's really champion stress eating. And I couldn't work off one calorie of it.
Now, I'm starting to be able to ease back into things. I'm in pain, but not as much, and I've been approved for light activity. But how do I start back again? I'm ridiculously out of shape, and very stiff and uncomfortable. I'd like to enlist the help of a trainer, and I hope that will do something.
My real problem is how awful I feel. I feel guilty for letting I get this far, and disgusted with myself that I've gotten this far for the first time in about 5-7 years. Sometimes I don't know how I'll get over this - but I have to. I can't be obese, and I can't live the rest of my life fat and alone, or worse, settling for whoever will take me looking like this. I look in store window reflections when I walk down the street and it feels so hopeless. I'm a fat, awful mess and there's no way around it. How can I ever recover and be good enough again? I feel so much like I'm not good enough, like I'm so inferior to everyone else around me because of my size. Will I ever not be ugly?
First, the eating. During this time, I was also getting over someone who I had cared for quickly and deeply, but with whom it didn't work out. So before the ankle problem has gotten really bad, I was already gaining some breakup weight. Awesome! :/
Then, I went out with my friends, put too much stress on my already injured ankle, and gave myself bursitis, which is a fun word to say, but not a fun condition to have. It's basically very painful inflammation in the joint, and the only cure for it is rest, ice, and Advil for the pain and inflammation. I have taken more Advil in the last two weeks than I have taken in my entire life put together - all on doctors orders. It's very weird.
Anyway, all of this rest of course put me in a tailspin of depression at being alone by myself inside icing my ankle when all my friends were out doing fun things without me. And what does depression mean but really unhealthy food? I tell myself time and again that I have to stop eating so much, but it doesn't seem to help me stop putting food in my mouth :(
My next problem then was my complete inability to exercise. Not only was I on doctors orders to stay at home and rest, but I was in a great deal of pain. The eating helped quite a bit, too. And since I was also dealing with all the stuff from my new place and the move, and couldn't stress exercise, I did some really serious stress eating. I would like to say that it's really champion stress eating. And I couldn't work off one calorie of it.
Now, I'm starting to be able to ease back into things. I'm in pain, but not as much, and I've been approved for light activity. But how do I start back again? I'm ridiculously out of shape, and very stiff and uncomfortable. I'd like to enlist the help of a trainer, and I hope that will do something.
My real problem is how awful I feel. I feel guilty for letting I get this far, and disgusted with myself that I've gotten this far for the first time in about 5-7 years. Sometimes I don't know how I'll get over this - but I have to. I can't be obese, and I can't live the rest of my life fat and alone, or worse, settling for whoever will take me looking like this. I look in store window reflections when I walk down the street and it feels so hopeless. I'm a fat, awful mess and there's no way around it. How can I ever recover and be good enough again? I feel so much like I'm not good enough, like I'm so inferior to everyone else around me because of my size. Will I ever not be ugly?
Monday, December 29, 2014
It's the most (difficult) time of the year
the holiday season is still upon us, and I have 100%, no-holds-barred, completely fallen off the wagon.
I have eaten foods that are not vegan - sweet, delicious, traditional foods that all research shows that excessive consumption will kill me. I know this. I know what the data and research shows, and yet, here I am, supremely fat.
And let's just call it that. Fat. Let's point it out, and bring it into daylight. I have gotten fat. Again!!
About a year ago, maybe more, I was a set size 10, working towards a size 8, sometimes close, and sometimes fairly far, but definitely a size 10. And then, in Amsterdam with my mother, I somehow seriously injured a ligament in my ankle, keeping me from exercising as much as I had before, and I began to eat. A lot. And exercise...never. So now I have to buy clothes in a size 12, and after this holiday season, I may have to go up to 14. For the first time in almost 10 years.
So, let me explain this holiday experience. First of all, this was one of the Christmases that my sister and brother-in-law spend out of town with his parents, which sucks. My dad is gone, and then on Christmas day, dear relatives had to be sent to the hospital, which was also unbelievably painful.
And what do I do when I'm upset? I eat. Do I eat green vegetables and fresh fruit? No. I eat tortilla chips and guacamole. Even writing that sentence, I want chips and guac. It is 9 am. Who wants chips and guac at 9 o'clock in the morning? Me. I do. Because I'm an addict.
And I'm struggling!! How do you get through emotional crises, such as hospitalized relatives and graduate level final exams without your lovely food crutch?? I've tried exercising instead, which works sometimes, but then there's food. It feels like it's everywhere, and I can't stop myself. And I want to, so badly.
This morning, I was going to get a caribou coffee soy chai latte, but I didn't. I decided to try and resist. That counts as progress, right?
One step at a time...
I have eaten foods that are not vegan - sweet, delicious, traditional foods that all research shows that excessive consumption will kill me. I know this. I know what the data and research shows, and yet, here I am, supremely fat.
And let's just call it that. Fat. Let's point it out, and bring it into daylight. I have gotten fat. Again!!
About a year ago, maybe more, I was a set size 10, working towards a size 8, sometimes close, and sometimes fairly far, but definitely a size 10. And then, in Amsterdam with my mother, I somehow seriously injured a ligament in my ankle, keeping me from exercising as much as I had before, and I began to eat. A lot. And exercise...never. So now I have to buy clothes in a size 12, and after this holiday season, I may have to go up to 14. For the first time in almost 10 years.
So, let me explain this holiday experience. First of all, this was one of the Christmases that my sister and brother-in-law spend out of town with his parents, which sucks. My dad is gone, and then on Christmas day, dear relatives had to be sent to the hospital, which was also unbelievably painful.
And what do I do when I'm upset? I eat. Do I eat green vegetables and fresh fruit? No. I eat tortilla chips and guacamole. Even writing that sentence, I want chips and guac. It is 9 am. Who wants chips and guac at 9 o'clock in the morning? Me. I do. Because I'm an addict.
And I'm struggling!! How do you get through emotional crises, such as hospitalized relatives and graduate level final exams without your lovely food crutch?? I've tried exercising instead, which works sometimes, but then there's food. It feels like it's everywhere, and I can't stop myself. And I want to, so badly.
This morning, I was going to get a caribou coffee soy chai latte, but I didn't. I decided to try and resist. That counts as progress, right?
One step at a time...
Thursday, November 20, 2014
My Addiction's Emination
When I was young, about 16, I was completely trapped - imprisoned.
On the outside, I struggled to assimilate to real life, fumbled my way through disastrous social situations and thoroughly disappointed my family in my inability to cope with the world as it existed.
But they didn't understand - I was a caged leopard. Inside, I was trapped behind bars, pacing and snarling, aching to be free. And I ate myself out of my misery. I didn't have much in those years that made me happy, but food was definitely a large part of it. I didn't have friends, a "normal" social life completely evaded me, and there wasn't much that I enjoyed, but I did have food. And to this day, it has been a constant struggle.
I used to write poetry when I was in high school - just the normal, juvenile things that amuse when looked back on - but there was one image that I could never seem to erase. This image that I had of myself, with long, wild red hair, riding an equally wild horse, and loving it. Fearless and free. No one to answer to, no one expecting me to act a certain way, just me and the world. Wide open and completely liberated.
And one day, when I was living in Berlin, I was riding my bike around the city. I had finally gotten the hang of cycling norms in Berlin, which are quite extensive, and had embraced the cycling lifestyle, which is rather devoted in that city, and I had red hair. It was wavy and wild that day, and flying behind me. For that one moment, I felt like I had arrived. I was free. I was living in another country in a life that I had built with my own two hands. It was difficult, but it was mine.
Now, I'm feeling caged again. The roaring animal inside me has returned. A part of me feels trapped and upset. I am not free here. I am not alive here. Everything here feels dead and done before - nothing new, nothing real, nothing that shakes me around, slaps me in the face, and wakes me up. Only things that punch me in the gut and push me down.
Is it only temporary, or is it permanent? Can I survive it? Most importantly: can I make it through without falling off the wagon?
Who am I, anyway? A man, or a mouse? (er..a woman or a wouse?)
On the outside, I struggled to assimilate to real life, fumbled my way through disastrous social situations and thoroughly disappointed my family in my inability to cope with the world as it existed.
But they didn't understand - I was a caged leopard. Inside, I was trapped behind bars, pacing and snarling, aching to be free. And I ate myself out of my misery. I didn't have much in those years that made me happy, but food was definitely a large part of it. I didn't have friends, a "normal" social life completely evaded me, and there wasn't much that I enjoyed, but I did have food. And to this day, it has been a constant struggle.
I used to write poetry when I was in high school - just the normal, juvenile things that amuse when looked back on - but there was one image that I could never seem to erase. This image that I had of myself, with long, wild red hair, riding an equally wild horse, and loving it. Fearless and free. No one to answer to, no one expecting me to act a certain way, just me and the world. Wide open and completely liberated.
And one day, when I was living in Berlin, I was riding my bike around the city. I had finally gotten the hang of cycling norms in Berlin, which are quite extensive, and had embraced the cycling lifestyle, which is rather devoted in that city, and I had red hair. It was wavy and wild that day, and flying behind me. For that one moment, I felt like I had arrived. I was free. I was living in another country in a life that I had built with my own two hands. It was difficult, but it was mine.
Now, I'm feeling caged again. The roaring animal inside me has returned. A part of me feels trapped and upset. I am not free here. I am not alive here. Everything here feels dead and done before - nothing new, nothing real, nothing that shakes me around, slaps me in the face, and wakes me up. Only things that punch me in the gut and push me down.
Is it only temporary, or is it permanent? Can I survive it? Most importantly: can I make it through without falling off the wagon?
Who am I, anyway? A man, or a mouse? (er..a woman or a wouse?)
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Photon Lipo Experience and Aftermath
Well, kids - I have now done a weight loss procedure, and plan on doing another.
I saw on groupon this deal for a Photon Lipo procedure, which uses light to shrink your fat cells so they can be evacuated through your body, and also helps to firm the skin. I was unsure about it, but it guaranteed 2 inch changes, and I could definitely use that, so I decided to just go for it!
The experience itself was fine, but I didn't do as well in the before-hand procedures, which involve detoxing three days before as well as taking all these supplements to help your liver be more clean and ready to cleanse your body of the fat cells. You have to continue that for three days after the procedure, too, and also wear compression garment, and I just wore my spanx.
The experience itself wasn't super pleasant, and detoxing is always a challenge, but I think it did make a difference. One thing that the specialist said was that she had plateaued in her weight loss, and the procedure helped her move beyond her plateau, so I hope that's the same for me.
Overall, it was a good experience, and reminded me that it's not impossible to detox and lose weight, and that carbs aren't that great after all.
Unfortunately, I have gone back a bit to my bad eating ways, so I'm trying to figure out how to have a good balance of good foods and bad foods, and make a real difference in my eating habits. I have already seen how much my eating habits have changed in the last few years since I first read Eat to Live, and that I do crave and enjoy vegetables. I just have to remember that fatty, empty foods make me feel horrible. You are what you eat! And I do not want to be a mess of disgustingness on the inside. I want to be full of glorious, healthy foods.
We'll see how this week goes!
I saw on groupon this deal for a Photon Lipo procedure, which uses light to shrink your fat cells so they can be evacuated through your body, and also helps to firm the skin. I was unsure about it, but it guaranteed 2 inch changes, and I could definitely use that, so I decided to just go for it!
The experience itself was fine, but I didn't do as well in the before-hand procedures, which involve detoxing three days before as well as taking all these supplements to help your liver be more clean and ready to cleanse your body of the fat cells. You have to continue that for three days after the procedure, too, and also wear compression garment, and I just wore my spanx.
The experience itself wasn't super pleasant, and detoxing is always a challenge, but I think it did make a difference. One thing that the specialist said was that she had plateaued in her weight loss, and the procedure helped her move beyond her plateau, so I hope that's the same for me.
Overall, it was a good experience, and reminded me that it's not impossible to detox and lose weight, and that carbs aren't that great after all.
Unfortunately, I have gone back a bit to my bad eating ways, so I'm trying to figure out how to have a good balance of good foods and bad foods, and make a real difference in my eating habits. I have already seen how much my eating habits have changed in the last few years since I first read Eat to Live, and that I do crave and enjoy vegetables. I just have to remember that fatty, empty foods make me feel horrible. You are what you eat! And I do not want to be a mess of disgustingness on the inside. I want to be full of glorious, healthy foods.
We'll see how this week goes!
Friday, November 14, 2014
My name is Ginny, and I am a food addict
I am sending this message out into the void, in the dim hope that it can both help me, and help others. I am a food addict. To many people, this may not seem as serious as an addiction to painkillers, or alcoholism, or to heroin, and in some ways it is. But in many other ways, it is killing me just the same.
I have gone on and off the wagon several times. I have had periods of eating healthy, only to be thwarted by one holiday-related slip up, or by seeing a slim friend eat something that I know that I have to stay away from.
I often get jealous of my female friends who have the ability to eat sweets and processed foods in reasonable moderation. Who can eat these things without becoming addicted to them, and without gaining weight as a result of the consumption. But this is not me. I am addicted to processed foods.
Even though I am vegan, I still crave burritos, chips and guacamole, lasagna, and a myriad of other processed and non-nutritious foods that keep me from my weight and health goals. I want to live a healthy, balanced life. I want to live a long life, without dementia. Almost everyone that I know in my family has suffered dementia in their old age, and I don't want to fall victim to it as well. I don't want to crawl towards death, not even knowing the people that love me dearly. I don't want to be depressed anymore.
Depression is a huge problem for me - and now I am on medication for it. On one level, that means that I am finally doing something about a life-long struggle with depression. But on another level, it means that I haven't solved my problem yet. Food is a big part of my depression, and I am struggling with how to resolve it, and how to become a healthy, happy, sane person.
And so, today it begins. And I can't promise that I will always write in this blog, and I can't promise that I will always stay on the wagon. But I can promise to always be honest, and to do my best to keep myself accountable to what I do - good or bad.
I have gone on and off the wagon several times. I have had periods of eating healthy, only to be thwarted by one holiday-related slip up, or by seeing a slim friend eat something that I know that I have to stay away from.
I often get jealous of my female friends who have the ability to eat sweets and processed foods in reasonable moderation. Who can eat these things without becoming addicted to them, and without gaining weight as a result of the consumption. But this is not me. I am addicted to processed foods.
Even though I am vegan, I still crave burritos, chips and guacamole, lasagna, and a myriad of other processed and non-nutritious foods that keep me from my weight and health goals. I want to live a healthy, balanced life. I want to live a long life, without dementia. Almost everyone that I know in my family has suffered dementia in their old age, and I don't want to fall victim to it as well. I don't want to crawl towards death, not even knowing the people that love me dearly. I don't want to be depressed anymore.
Depression is a huge problem for me - and now I am on medication for it. On one level, that means that I am finally doing something about a life-long struggle with depression. But on another level, it means that I haven't solved my problem yet. Food is a big part of my depression, and I am struggling with how to resolve it, and how to become a healthy, happy, sane person.
And so, today it begins. And I can't promise that I will always write in this blog, and I can't promise that I will always stay on the wagon. But I can promise to always be honest, and to do my best to keep myself accountable to what I do - good or bad.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Day 18, 24 to go REDUX
So...I lied. I 100% stopped writing once I got that stomach virus and had to start eating more grains, and less salads.
BUT in the last two days I have had several oranges, some of the most acidic foods ever, and my stomach has processed them without a hitch! I'm back, baby!
I'm pretty excited about the whole thing, although now of course I can't find excuses to eat fries at a bar, or falafel sandwiches at my fave place, or pasta, or any of the yummy stuff that I loooove to eat but simply isn't good for me.
And I want to look like this!
Alanis Morissette is on the Dr. Fuhrman eating plan, and she looks so fantastic! I'm so impressed with her, and I just want to live and eat like that, so I can be as gorgeous and glowing too! I'm sure lighting and makeup and a trainer all have something to do with how great she looks, but hopefully I can do most of that myself, and be almost as fabulous. Are you with me? Can I get a Hell Yes?? Let's hope so.
I don't have a food count for today, as the day has not finished yet, but I will have one tomorrow for today, and I look forward to doing it with gusto!
Wish me luck, and off we go!
BUT in the last two days I have had several oranges, some of the most acidic foods ever, and my stomach has processed them without a hitch! I'm back, baby!
I'm pretty excited about the whole thing, although now of course I can't find excuses to eat fries at a bar, or falafel sandwiches at my fave place, or pasta, or any of the yummy stuff that I loooove to eat but simply isn't good for me.
And I want to look like this!
Alanis Morissette is on the Dr. Fuhrman eating plan, and she looks so fantastic! I'm so impressed with her, and I just want to live and eat like that, so I can be as gorgeous and glowing too! I'm sure lighting and makeup and a trainer all have something to do with how great she looks, but hopefully I can do most of that myself, and be almost as fabulous. Are you with me? Can I get a Hell Yes?? Let's hope so.
I don't have a food count for today, as the day has not finished yet, but I will have one tomorrow for today, and I look forward to doing it with gusto!
Wish me luck, and off we go!
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