the holiday season is still upon us, and I have 100%, no-holds-barred, completely fallen off the wagon.
I have eaten foods that are not vegan - sweet, delicious, traditional foods that all research shows that excessive consumption will kill me. I know this. I know what the data and research shows, and yet, here I am, supremely fat.
And let's just call it that. Fat. Let's point it out, and bring it into daylight. I have gotten fat. Again!!
About a year ago, maybe more, I was a set size 10, working towards a size 8, sometimes close, and sometimes fairly far, but definitely a size 10. And then, in Amsterdam with my mother, I somehow seriously injured a ligament in my ankle, keeping me from exercising as much as I had before, and I began to eat. A lot. And exercise...never. So now I have to buy clothes in a size 12, and after this holiday season, I may have to go up to 14. For the first time in almost 10 years.
So, let me explain this holiday experience. First of all, this was one of the Christmases that my sister and brother-in-law spend out of town with his parents, which sucks. My dad is gone, and then on Christmas day, dear relatives had to be sent to the hospital, which was also unbelievably painful.
And what do I do when I'm upset? I eat. Do I eat green vegetables and fresh fruit? No. I eat tortilla chips and guacamole. Even writing that sentence, I want chips and guac. It is 9 am. Who wants chips and guac at 9 o'clock in the morning? Me. I do. Because I'm an addict.
And I'm struggling!! How do you get through emotional crises, such as hospitalized relatives and graduate level final exams without your lovely food crutch?? I've tried exercising instead, which works sometimes, but then there's food. It feels like it's everywhere, and I can't stop myself. And I want to, so badly.
This morning, I was going to get a caribou coffee soy chai latte, but I didn't. I decided to try and resist. That counts as progress, right?
One step at a time...
Monday, December 29, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
My Addiction's Emination
When I was young, about 16, I was completely trapped - imprisoned.
On the outside, I struggled to assimilate to real life, fumbled my way through disastrous social situations and thoroughly disappointed my family in my inability to cope with the world as it existed.
But they didn't understand - I was a caged leopard. Inside, I was trapped behind bars, pacing and snarling, aching to be free. And I ate myself out of my misery. I didn't have much in those years that made me happy, but food was definitely a large part of it. I didn't have friends, a "normal" social life completely evaded me, and there wasn't much that I enjoyed, but I did have food. And to this day, it has been a constant struggle.
I used to write poetry when I was in high school - just the normal, juvenile things that amuse when looked back on - but there was one image that I could never seem to erase. This image that I had of myself, with long, wild red hair, riding an equally wild horse, and loving it. Fearless and free. No one to answer to, no one expecting me to act a certain way, just me and the world. Wide open and completely liberated.
And one day, when I was living in Berlin, I was riding my bike around the city. I had finally gotten the hang of cycling norms in Berlin, which are quite extensive, and had embraced the cycling lifestyle, which is rather devoted in that city, and I had red hair. It was wavy and wild that day, and flying behind me. For that one moment, I felt like I had arrived. I was free. I was living in another country in a life that I had built with my own two hands. It was difficult, but it was mine.
Now, I'm feeling caged again. The roaring animal inside me has returned. A part of me feels trapped and upset. I am not free here. I am not alive here. Everything here feels dead and done before - nothing new, nothing real, nothing that shakes me around, slaps me in the face, and wakes me up. Only things that punch me in the gut and push me down.
Is it only temporary, or is it permanent? Can I survive it? Most importantly: can I make it through without falling off the wagon?
Who am I, anyway? A man, or a mouse? (er..a woman or a wouse?)
On the outside, I struggled to assimilate to real life, fumbled my way through disastrous social situations and thoroughly disappointed my family in my inability to cope with the world as it existed.
But they didn't understand - I was a caged leopard. Inside, I was trapped behind bars, pacing and snarling, aching to be free. And I ate myself out of my misery. I didn't have much in those years that made me happy, but food was definitely a large part of it. I didn't have friends, a "normal" social life completely evaded me, and there wasn't much that I enjoyed, but I did have food. And to this day, it has been a constant struggle.
I used to write poetry when I was in high school - just the normal, juvenile things that amuse when looked back on - but there was one image that I could never seem to erase. This image that I had of myself, with long, wild red hair, riding an equally wild horse, and loving it. Fearless and free. No one to answer to, no one expecting me to act a certain way, just me and the world. Wide open and completely liberated.
And one day, when I was living in Berlin, I was riding my bike around the city. I had finally gotten the hang of cycling norms in Berlin, which are quite extensive, and had embraced the cycling lifestyle, which is rather devoted in that city, and I had red hair. It was wavy and wild that day, and flying behind me. For that one moment, I felt like I had arrived. I was free. I was living in another country in a life that I had built with my own two hands. It was difficult, but it was mine.
Now, I'm feeling caged again. The roaring animal inside me has returned. A part of me feels trapped and upset. I am not free here. I am not alive here. Everything here feels dead and done before - nothing new, nothing real, nothing that shakes me around, slaps me in the face, and wakes me up. Only things that punch me in the gut and push me down.
Is it only temporary, or is it permanent? Can I survive it? Most importantly: can I make it through without falling off the wagon?
Who am I, anyway? A man, or a mouse? (er..a woman or a wouse?)
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Photon Lipo Experience and Aftermath
Well, kids - I have now done a weight loss procedure, and plan on doing another.
I saw on groupon this deal for a Photon Lipo procedure, which uses light to shrink your fat cells so they can be evacuated through your body, and also helps to firm the skin. I was unsure about it, but it guaranteed 2 inch changes, and I could definitely use that, so I decided to just go for it!
The experience itself was fine, but I didn't do as well in the before-hand procedures, which involve detoxing three days before as well as taking all these supplements to help your liver be more clean and ready to cleanse your body of the fat cells. You have to continue that for three days after the procedure, too, and also wear compression garment, and I just wore my spanx.
The experience itself wasn't super pleasant, and detoxing is always a challenge, but I think it did make a difference. One thing that the specialist said was that she had plateaued in her weight loss, and the procedure helped her move beyond her plateau, so I hope that's the same for me.
Overall, it was a good experience, and reminded me that it's not impossible to detox and lose weight, and that carbs aren't that great after all.
Unfortunately, I have gone back a bit to my bad eating ways, so I'm trying to figure out how to have a good balance of good foods and bad foods, and make a real difference in my eating habits. I have already seen how much my eating habits have changed in the last few years since I first read Eat to Live, and that I do crave and enjoy vegetables. I just have to remember that fatty, empty foods make me feel horrible. You are what you eat! And I do not want to be a mess of disgustingness on the inside. I want to be full of glorious, healthy foods.
We'll see how this week goes!
I saw on groupon this deal for a Photon Lipo procedure, which uses light to shrink your fat cells so they can be evacuated through your body, and also helps to firm the skin. I was unsure about it, but it guaranteed 2 inch changes, and I could definitely use that, so I decided to just go for it!
The experience itself was fine, but I didn't do as well in the before-hand procedures, which involve detoxing three days before as well as taking all these supplements to help your liver be more clean and ready to cleanse your body of the fat cells. You have to continue that for three days after the procedure, too, and also wear compression garment, and I just wore my spanx.
The experience itself wasn't super pleasant, and detoxing is always a challenge, but I think it did make a difference. One thing that the specialist said was that she had plateaued in her weight loss, and the procedure helped her move beyond her plateau, so I hope that's the same for me.
Overall, it was a good experience, and reminded me that it's not impossible to detox and lose weight, and that carbs aren't that great after all.
Unfortunately, I have gone back a bit to my bad eating ways, so I'm trying to figure out how to have a good balance of good foods and bad foods, and make a real difference in my eating habits. I have already seen how much my eating habits have changed in the last few years since I first read Eat to Live, and that I do crave and enjoy vegetables. I just have to remember that fatty, empty foods make me feel horrible. You are what you eat! And I do not want to be a mess of disgustingness on the inside. I want to be full of glorious, healthy foods.
We'll see how this week goes!
Friday, November 14, 2014
My name is Ginny, and I am a food addict
I am sending this message out into the void, in the dim hope that it can both help me, and help others. I am a food addict. To many people, this may not seem as serious as an addiction to painkillers, or alcoholism, or to heroin, and in some ways it is. But in many other ways, it is killing me just the same.
I have gone on and off the wagon several times. I have had periods of eating healthy, only to be thwarted by one holiday-related slip up, or by seeing a slim friend eat something that I know that I have to stay away from.
I often get jealous of my female friends who have the ability to eat sweets and processed foods in reasonable moderation. Who can eat these things without becoming addicted to them, and without gaining weight as a result of the consumption. But this is not me. I am addicted to processed foods.
Even though I am vegan, I still crave burritos, chips and guacamole, lasagna, and a myriad of other processed and non-nutritious foods that keep me from my weight and health goals. I want to live a healthy, balanced life. I want to live a long life, without dementia. Almost everyone that I know in my family has suffered dementia in their old age, and I don't want to fall victim to it as well. I don't want to crawl towards death, not even knowing the people that love me dearly. I don't want to be depressed anymore.
Depression is a huge problem for me - and now I am on medication for it. On one level, that means that I am finally doing something about a life-long struggle with depression. But on another level, it means that I haven't solved my problem yet. Food is a big part of my depression, and I am struggling with how to resolve it, and how to become a healthy, happy, sane person.
And so, today it begins. And I can't promise that I will always write in this blog, and I can't promise that I will always stay on the wagon. But I can promise to always be honest, and to do my best to keep myself accountable to what I do - good or bad.
I have gone on and off the wagon several times. I have had periods of eating healthy, only to be thwarted by one holiday-related slip up, or by seeing a slim friend eat something that I know that I have to stay away from.
I often get jealous of my female friends who have the ability to eat sweets and processed foods in reasonable moderation. Who can eat these things without becoming addicted to them, and without gaining weight as a result of the consumption. But this is not me. I am addicted to processed foods.
Even though I am vegan, I still crave burritos, chips and guacamole, lasagna, and a myriad of other processed and non-nutritious foods that keep me from my weight and health goals. I want to live a healthy, balanced life. I want to live a long life, without dementia. Almost everyone that I know in my family has suffered dementia in their old age, and I don't want to fall victim to it as well. I don't want to crawl towards death, not even knowing the people that love me dearly. I don't want to be depressed anymore.
Depression is a huge problem for me - and now I am on medication for it. On one level, that means that I am finally doing something about a life-long struggle with depression. But on another level, it means that I haven't solved my problem yet. Food is a big part of my depression, and I am struggling with how to resolve it, and how to become a healthy, happy, sane person.
And so, today it begins. And I can't promise that I will always write in this blog, and I can't promise that I will always stay on the wagon. But I can promise to always be honest, and to do my best to keep myself accountable to what I do - good or bad.
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